Tiny personal hell #8: I have a very good-looking dog

Welcome to Welcome to Hell!!!. This is a newsletter/blog/whatever of sometimes deep (but mostly dumb) thoughts on life & stuff, irregularly authored by Emmy-losing comedy writer Alison Zeidman.

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So, I have a very good-looking dog. Not just cute — like, people regularly stop on the street to comment on how beautiful my dog is. Twice, people have been driving by and stopped their cars.

And I like that people think my dog is pretty. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, and I wish looks didn’t matter, but it gives me a sense of pride. I’m like one of those “alternative” moms who hates that her daughter wants to do child beauty pageants because she thinks they’re gross and toxic and send the wrong message to little girls, but then when her kid wins she’s still all like, “THAT’S MY GIRL, GO FRANCES BEAN!”¹

Look at her, she’s a 10. (Maybe an L.A. 9)

But it also makes me think about that scene from the beginning of 101 Dalmatians where all the dogs and their humans walking up and down the street look alike…and then I wonder…am I good enough for my dog?

Is she way out of my league? When people see us out together, in their heads are they like, “Wow, she² sure settled”? Do they go home later and tell their spouse/roommate/pets that they just saw the Zach Braff and Florence Pugh of humans/dogs?

I wish we didn’t all compare and judge people like this, and it doesn’t matter at all, but I do think about it uhhhhh a lot. So like all of my dumbest thoughts, I figured I ought to share it.

Anyone else have a really hot dog?

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1. This is also the kind of mom who names her kid after the First Daughter of Nirvana

2. “She” as in my dog