The rebrand is here, baby!!!

and unfortunately the title change could not be more timely

Welcome to Welcome to Hell!!!. This is a newsletter of sometimes deep (but mostly dumb) thoughts on life & stuff from Alison Zeidman, an Emmy-losing comedy writer.

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We’re officially in the final days for my mom. (Oh yeah dawgs, just diving right in here.) As of last Friday she’s stopped eating/drinking completely and yesterday she started doing that rattley breathing thing that’s another sign it’s getting closer to the end. (I’ve read a lot about death.)

When someone goes on hospice care it’s generally expected that they have less than 6 months to live. But since she was still consuming liquids intermittently, I’d just started settling into the idea that this could take weeks/months. The dragging on was terrible — this kind of end was always inevitable, so all 6 years it’s been various degrees of terrible, like a continuously renewing limbo — but this is terrible too. They call Alzheimer’s the “long goodbye,” but as horrible horrible horrible as it’s been, I still don’t feel ready for it to end.

(I should mention here that I’m probably not gonna edit this very much, so expect a lot of run-on sentences — more than usual, I mean.)

My dad died in late 2014, so I’m more prepared than I would be — I know what to expect, in terms of what will need to be done — and that’s a very bizarre new frontier of uncanny. We made the funeral plans a year-ish ago, but we’re just doing the same thing we did for my dad so it was actually less like planning and more like reordering your last pizza delivery.

I’m also thinking ahead in ways I didn’t know to or have time to last time. I cleaned out and donated all but a week’s work of her clothes a few weeks ago Most of it wasn’t actually even hers so a major culling was overdue anway — the hazards of assisted living laundry mix-ups and unsolicited hand-me-downs from people who died and whose families thought, I guess, that they were being helpful.)

Yesterday I cleaned out the rest of the drawers. I didn’t organize anything, I just wanted to put all the stuff worth saving aside in plastic containers so it’ll be easy to just trash anything left when we have to move her out. Was it weird to do all that while she’s still just lying there? Yes. I felt guilty, like I was hurrying her along, but I know that’s irrational.

I’m thinking about whether I should start maybe thinking about a eulogy. I don’t want to, but who ever wants to write a eulogy? With my dad, it didn’t even occur to me that I would do one until my brother asked me if I wanted to. (We both did parts.)

I’m thinking about doing a shiva-ish, not really religious, just for a few nights, I think it feel good to see people…at my house I guess? But I’m not part of a synagogue community where someone else would arrange all that and tell everyone, so I’m Googling “bagel catering philadelphia” and trying to keep the house fairly clean and trying to decide exactly how bad an idea it is to put my home address on the Facebook post where I eventually announce the news and the funeral plans. (Like, bad, but — what do I do otherwise, say “DM for address”?) I can ask Tim to do all that or otherwise figure out help when the time comes, but still, I’m thinking about it.

I’m thinking about what I’m going to wear — I already know, I’m just thinking about how different it is that I’ve thought ahead about this and don’t have to ask someone to pick something up from my apartment in another city this time.

I’m thinking about crying, and how I know it’s gonna happen (has already happened,) so I can’t help but think of the practicalities of handling that, by which I mean yesterday the thought popped into my head to buy waterproof eyeliner and this morning I figured I might as well put it on now and test it out in advance. (My mom would also still be worrying about her own appearance at a close family member’s funeral, so let’s call this not vanity but a tribute.)

I’m thinking about a dozen other jokey things that most people would find off-putting, but too bad. I can’t help it, death is absurd.

I’m thinking about advance planning things for my own death, but I’ve been thinking about and meaning to do that since my dad died and then we did advance planning for my mom. I strongly advocate having conversations about these things with your families/friends early and often, but that said, have done almost none of that for myself.

I’m thinking about the book proposal I’m almost finished writing about doing all of that (still have to do sample chapters). I’m pitching it as part memoir/part instruction guide, because I think it would be a “fun romp” (“fun romp” sounds like something a book review person would say), and also because turning this into a project will force me to actually get it done. (The back-up plan is retooling it as a live show.) But I’m also thinking about how I shouldn’t worry about writing that right now, because I’m too busy researching it.

I’m thinking about how I’m running out of things I’m thinking about that are relevant to this so now I’m thinking about how to end it, although under the circumstances I’m not worried about trying too hard so let’s just say fuck it,

The End.