Dumb thoughts I had this week
Welcome to Welcome to Hell!!!. This is a newsletter/blog/whatever of sometimes deep (but mostly dumb) thoughts on life & stuff, irregularly authored by Emmy-losing comedy writer Alison Zeidman.
Hi! It’s been a minute!
Rather than keep waiting to have another good idea that I can expand into a full essay that is **smart** and **thoughtful** and **literary** (… have I ever done that?), I’ve decided to just barf out a clumpy hairball of dumb thoughts I collected in my Notes app this week.
A Belated Rite of Passage
I’ve been getting a lot of “your lips need sun protection too” messaging/influencing lately — not from anywhere specific I can think of, it’s just like, in the air or something. I have not fact-checked whether or not I actually need to worry about my oral labia turning into wrinkly, cancer-ridden flesh flaps, so on a whim while I was at the pharmacy picking up a prescription, I also picked up a lil’ coconut-flavored SPF 30 lip balm from a brand called Sun Bum. (Not to be confused with my favorite lip stick brand, Moon Hobo Vagrant).
I put no thought into choosing it other than “is this one slightly cheaper than the other two SPF lip balms this store sells?” (yes), but the experience of applying it turned out to be life-changing. GUYS it tastes SO GOOD. But that’s not the life-changing part. The seismic shift is that I have never had a “it’s so good I want to eat it” reaction to a cosmetic product before, which to me seems like an essential rite of girlhood passage that I just…never related to. But now, only 25 years late, I finally get why all my 12-year-old friends were ingesting LipSmackers in medically inadvisable quantities.
Maybe these girls will let me do their podcast? Related to my childhood inexperience/embarrassment with “girly” things: One time I received a three-pack of Bath & Body Works “holiday scented” body sprays as a birthday gift (classy!), and I shut myself in my room and tried them out a bunch of times using the “spray and walk into it” method that I’d picked up from one of my more *sophisticated* friends, and I stank up the room so badly my mom got all mad and was like “I don’t think it’s safe for you to sleep in here with these fumes tonight tonight” so I lied and was like “weird I only sprayed ONE of them ONCE they must just be really strong I guess.”
Here’s a thing I would have tweeted if I still used the website formerly known as Twitter:
“My salad days” - Me referring to the years I had an eating disorder
Good? Should I “threads” this? Just kidding I can’t wait for all the social media websites to crash and burn so I can disappear from them all forever.Superman review
I saw Superman last weekend and despite the fact that it was TOO WOKE here is my mostly positive review:
I liked 95% of Lois Lane’s outfits and I could easily recreate many of them with things I already own. I’ve been feeling like I don’t know how to dress myself anymore and I did not go into this movie expecting it to help solve that problem but I think it did? 4 stars!
The one thing I didn’t like was that I really thought Superman’s bio mom was Lady Gaga for the first half of the movie (I don’t know what she’s done with her face and no judgment but she DOES look like that now!) and the fact that it was not Bradley Cooper but instead Bradley Cooper and Some Other Lady feels like a real wasted opportunity to appeal to what is surely the huge number of fans who meet in the middle of the “DC comics” and “A Star Is Born remake” Venn diagram.
That’s it! Did you enjoy this nonsense? If not, please share this publication with your enemies.